How My Neighbour Tried to Rent Me a Fork (and Charge Me for Chewing)
Somewhere between the audacity and kindness of neighbours lived a man who could turn anything into a business opportunity.
Meet "government housing Mr. Haney"!
He would sell snow to an eskimo just to make a few extra bucks.
One day, I was just relaxing, and had this neighbour (Mr. Haney) knock on my door with a plate of Chinese food he had just ordered. He asked me if I wanted it. That was simply an offer I could not refuse! But before he handed it to me, he asked me if I needed a fork. Sure. Then a napkin. Sure. Bottle of pop? ... Sure.
The cheek SOB got out a pen and paper to tally up everything he was giving me and what I owed him. OK, first of all, you don't charge somebody money after you offer it to them. Secondly, you don't ever be a Mr. Haney like this guy.
Get this: not only was he giving me the invoice for the food, but he said I had to eat it at his place if I wanted it. That's weird. Maybe he just wants to shoot the shit over Chinese food for all I could have known. Nope!
When we were at his place, I thought it off that he was just sitting there watching me eat and ticking off on a piece of paper every time I ate. "The f*** are you writing, how many times I am taking a bite?" "Precisely!" I was not expecting that response!
He counted each bite I had, how many breaths I took between each bite, how many minutes it took me to eat, and if there was a grain of rice or a beansprout left on the plate not worth the time to scoop up... it was going to cost me. He even counted how many times I unscrewed the bottle of pop! You get the point.
When you go to a restaurant, you walk out, saying, "That just cost me an arm and a leg." That saying is not far from the f***ing truth with this guy!
I asked him the reasons for this, thinking, "this guy is f***ed." Instantly reminded me of Mr. Haney from Green Acres.
"Well, I need to make some of my money back. I am giving you a reasonable rate."
"You shouldn't be giving me any rate! Nobody does what you are doing! Why are you counting how many damn times I do things then charge me for it?!"
The back and forth of bitter anger and... a bunch of my "WTF is this guy trying to prove?!" yelling went on for a few minutes. I got up and told him where to go. He pulled the same stunt with other neighbours as well, until they also told him the same.
Here is an example of his invoice I received:
- Each chew - 0.05$
- Usage off fork - 2$
- Place to sit - 5$
- Loss of carbonation due to unscrewed lid - 1$
- Each breath using up "clean" air - 0.15$
- Wipe of napkin + each squared centimetre dirtied - 0.75$ + 0.10$
After this, I was afraid to even breathe near him - afraid he'd give me an invoice for putting carbon dioxide in the air. He'd probably start giving the invoices to trees even though he couldn't get anything off them... unless there was a hole in one of them.
Better watch though, Mr. Haney, that little birdy might want yours - you might get more bit off than you could charge him for chewing.
So, a lesson for you all: If anyone in government housing offers you a meal... ask for the rates first! 💸🤣
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