Microwave Chicken: The Day I Saw Hell Itself

One day, Mr. Haney invited me over for what I thought was going to be a delicious chicken meal. He did not tell me was that it was f*cking microwaved chicken!

The basta*d should have had me sign a waiver for the death I could have faced. I am lucky to be alive after seeing hell itself flash before my eyes after one bite.

So, I was in his place, he offered me a drink, but before I could have the drink, I had to finish eating the irradiated chicken from hell. "It will go down well once you finish the chicken." Now, that's what I thought he said at first, but thinking about it now as much as I am trying my best not to, I think what he actually said was, "You will go down to hell once you finish the chicken."

He didn't create an invoice for me this time, but I sure fucking nearly paid my life for it.

"What you don't eat, you can save for later," he said to me. The only thing I'd be trying to save for later would be my f*cking life; I still want to f*cking live it!

I took one bite and immediately ran to his bathroom. If it wasn't the food that would make me puke, it'd be the way he kept his bathroom. I thought I had entered an alternate dimension. His bathroom was nothing that could even be remotely imagined!

Everything was literally black. It looked like the newest highway was being paved in his bathroom... a f*cking highway to hell - the hell I was about to endure - the HELL I f*cking deserved this for, bitc*?! Cigarette butts littered all over the place, including in the bathtub and the toilet. There were even a few that were stuck to the f*cking wall - there was that much f*cking tar that his walls could be used for to lay shingles!

Wife to husband: "Hey, hun, the roof has a leak. Can you fix it?"

Husband to wife: "Sure thing, sweetheart. I'll just scrape the tar off the walls in the bathroom. Don't be afraid when I come back inside, it's still me."

I'm surprised I didn't throw up my guts too. They were probably saying, "Let us the fuck out of here! Stop punishing us!" After I puked I was brought back to this world... thank God I'm still alive today to tell this story.

I had to pull myself up, but not because I had thrown up hell itself, but because my knees were glued to the floor, like something in a horror movie, trying to f*cking haul me in and consume me. Forget The Blob... my neighbour Mr. Haney would be a much bigger threat.

After I pull myself up from the tar pit, I head back to his living room, and he says, "Where'd you go?" "I'm sorry, but I just puked up the chicken. It didn't sit well with me. ... I apologize." "Oh, I just tried something different this time. I cooked it in the microwave instead of in the oven."

Not that it mattered at this point but I asked him how long he cooked it for. "Just a couple minutes. It doesn't take long to cook things in the microwave." Are you running a science experiment or trying to f*cking kill me?

He offered me popcorn if I was "still hungry"

...

that was still sitting on his table 6 months prior when he gave me an invoice just for f*cking breathing and chewing, which can be read and laughed at in this story.👈🔗

There were earwigs who invited their friends Mr. & Mrs God-knows-what to the buffet. They beat me to it, but I am not complaining.

Why the fuc* did I go back a second time?!🤦‍♀️

Tip of the day: If someone gives you microwaved chicken, be prepared to welcome your guts to the gates of hell.

If you want more tips, check out these ones: Tenant Tips👈🔗

I hope I gave you all a good laugh!😀